3 Ways Professional Women Sabotage Their Happiness

For many years, I commuted, fitted into desk life, rode the ups and downs of office politics and tried very hard to be the model of sophisticated success.  I now realise I, and those around me, were consistently sabotaging our potential for experiencing deep happiness in our lives.  Sure, we regularly ‘had a laugh’ but this masked misunderstandings about happiness.  Here’s what I’ve learnt….

You have nothing to prove.

Quite likely you haven’t consciously thought about your desire to prove yourself to those you love and admire.  We can find ourselves driven to show how we can be responsible and reliable, earn good money, be a perfect daughter/girlfriend/wife, have lots of friends or party wildly.  Or perhaps even that we are better than …………….?  This drive comes from a belief we built up as children that we need to be a certain way in order to deserve approval and love.

  

A coaching tip to bring to the surface your desire to prove yourself is to consider the key achievements of your life so far.  For each one ask yourself- If this achievement was a message for someone, what would it be communicating and to who?

The next step is to ask if the assumptions you made about getting love and approval are true.  When we overtly ask our loved ones if we really must to be in a certain job/relationship/earning’s bracket to win their love and approval the vast majority drop all requirements and confess that they just want us to be happy.  And those who don’t, do you really want to give control of your precious life to them?

We sabotage ourselves by focussing on pleasing others and that keeps us from getting in tune with our deep desires and asking ourselves what we really want, the starting point for true happiness.

Choose your habits wisely.

We all have habits or rituals that we adopt as short-cuts in our lives.  We use them to take care of ourselves and others (cleaning our teeth morning and night, doing the washing on Saturday), to make sure we keep our obligations (getting the 7.30 train to be at work on time, paying our bills on time) and to connect in relationships (calling Mum on Sunday night). 

We might also have habits like eating too much, drinking alcohol or coffee, smoking or getting ultra-busy that deaden our feelings and help us avoid fully experiencing our feelings.  These can help us to feel better in the short term but have a negative effect in the longer term.  They sabotage our happiness by creating health problems and keeping us from experiencing life to the full.  We need healthy ways of handling our feelings and this means developing new habits.  Habits that help with feeling and processing our feelings might be meditation, wild dancing, walking or running in nature.  We may need to experiment to find out what works best for us.

It seems a paradox that habits can also develop our creativity and keep life fresh.  Have you tried going somewhere new each week, buying and cooking a new ingredient each shop or taking a different route to work on a specific day?    

Falling into habits that don’t serve us sabotage our happiness and keep us from habits which would lead us to experience more happiness.  Changing them can be a challenge.  One of the best strategies is to investigate what that habit helps us with in the short term and then find a healthy, sustainable way to meet that need. 

Your best friends might not be as good for you as you think

Talking through problems, having a good moan and putting the world to rights; in the workplace and in our private life communication helps us express ourselves and find solutions.  However, it can also keep us stuck. 

Often the impetus to follow our heart’s desire comes when we experience a low in our lives.  Friendship and a feeling of belonging can go a long way to convincing us that life isn’t that bad and change is not worth the risk.  Nights out with friends keep us feeling just good enough or we are on the brink of leaving our job/relationship/town when a heart to heart with a friend encourages us to give it another try.

We need to realise our friends are not as unbiased as they sometimes seem.  Most often friends have a vested interest in maintaining the status quo.  If you made the changes you wanted to, they could lose your friendship and, what’s more, they might run out of excuses for the changes they need to make.  Without any intention to, our friends can sabotage our happiness.

My suggestion is to enjoy your friendships for heart to hearts, celebrations and sharing and to have independent help with learning the life strategies that will work best for you.  In nearly 10 years as a Life Coach, I have helped many professional women discover their personal passions and use their unique strengths to build rewarding careers and relationships.  

Come and meet me at the Crawley Mind Body and Soul Fair on Sunday 7^th and connect through the social media links below for news of an exciting new programme for making 2015 your happiest ever.

www.facebook.com/soulsanook

twitter.com/debbiereeds

plus.google.com/+DebbieReeds

start@deborahreeds.com

www.deborahreeds.com

07702 737019

3 Tips for Super Busy Working Mums

You're booked up, months in advance, your diary looks like an explosion of scribbles and post-its and you can't remember the last time you digested your food, let alone put your feet up!

You probably feel you have little choice as being super busy is part of a working Mum's Job description.  There are however some opportunities for some breathing space which will have a positive impact on your sense of well being and a ripple effect on the well being of your family...

1.  Let nature and beauty inspire you

Allow your child's smile, the sunset, flowing water, the skyline or whatever is beautiful to you to catch your eye.  Notice the details, breathe in the experience and let it remind you of the world beyond your to do list.  Allow this beauty to bring you into the present moment and, as you breathe out, let go of all that's beyond your control and influence.

Practice these moments of mindfulness during your day and, increase them as you can.

2.  Take Care

No doubt you are often taking care of everyone else but this is about taking care of you!  It is not selfish to take care of yourself, it is essential if you are going to be giving your wonderful energy to others.  Giving on empty isn't fun for anyone.  So plan your healthy meals, take naps and make the most of whatever moments you can to nurture yourself. 

3.  Ask for help

Quite often it is our competence that has led to our busyness and we can be reluctant to delegate.  Rather than putting our attention on the task and it's result, by considering the experience we give to others and ourselves, we can see the value of involving friends, family and colleagues.  People like to help and, by involving them, we share our knowledge and learn to accept other approaches and methods.

On this theme, I can to help too!  I'm offering free Life Strategy Coaching this month.  For an investment of an hour of your time, you can review your professional and personal life to fully appreciate where you are now and discover your top 3 priorities for 2015.  We'll be exploring different perspectives and possibilities and the results might surprise you.    It's an affirming, enriching experience you can give to yourself.  Book a time that's convenient to you at... 
http://veribook.com/viewAvail/WfycgbwHQF  for telephone sessions 
http://veribook.com/viewAvail/LwZwGSpxcB for face to face sessions in central and west London
or send me an email.

Deborah Reeds
deborah@soulsanook.com


    

3 Essentials of Self Employment

As the office worker sits in their grey, air-conditioned cubical staring at the screen, they dream of being self-employed, flexible hours, perhaps working from home.  An abundance of time saved travelling, able to integrate work with meeting friends for coffee, collecting the kids, walking the dog, home cooking……

Cut to the reality of self-employment and there have been some weeks where they had very happy friends and kids, the dog was worn out from all the walking and the laundry had never been so up-to-date but not much had progressed on the work front.  And other weeks where they were working day and night, no-one to pass the buck to and more stress than they'd ever had when employed.   They rarely get out of their dressing gown and they're overdosing on chocolate biscuits….

Perhaps like me, you’ve been there!  There are 3 essentials of being self-employed and these apply whether you’re at home, in an office, or out and about…

1.  Employ Yourself
As your own boss, you have the opportunity to be a great boss!  A great boss would be really clear about your working hours, location, terms, duties etc.  You can of course build in flexibility but make it really clear.  For example you might say you work 40 hours a week but spread these over 4 days with 3 days off.  You could allocate which days at the start of the week.  This is as much to protect your personal time as it is to ensure you do the work that will lead to success and pay the bills.  When you stick to a good structure, it minimises time spent contemplating what you ‘should’ be doing and feeling guilty about things you haven’t done.
We need to get into new habits and having a regular pattern to our day is helpful.  When we no longer have a journey to work, we might adopt rituals to start and finish work.  We may have a specific work space, dress for work, light a candle or put up a ‘do not disturb’ sign.  At the end of the day we might take some exercise, go for a walk or off-load to a friend.

2.  Invest in yourself
There’s a temptation to convince ourselves the latest smart phone gizmo is critical to our personal and professional success.  The freedom to set up our workplace just as we want can be overwhelming and budget breaking.  I’d suggest focusing on the things that make a difference to our wellbeing.  Insurance for peace of mind, technology which truly saves time and minimises repetitive tasks, a workspace we feel comfortable in and training in skills that are important to us.  We are now responsible for keeping our knowledge-up-to-date and our approach fresh.  So invest in the one business asset that accumulates in value- ourselves.  Paid sick-leave is a luxury of the past so invest too in keeping healthy and minimising stress.

3.  Recruit your team. 
You may be a Solopreneur but that doesn’t mean you need to work alone.  Network to find specialists you might need someday- IT, marketing, book keeping, potential collaborators.  You might want to have an arrangement with friends to encourage each other when your motivation drops and join forums on social media to share ideas and contacts.  Ensure you have real company during the day- not just the reassurance of chocolate! 
When you’re busy working in your business it can be hard to see the wood from the trees and an essential member of your team is your coach or mentor.  Most of us learn quickly on-the-job but we fail to capitalise on this by building in the reflection time to integrate the new learning.  We need to step back and consider our strategy with our trusted ally so we can make sure we are accessing all the resources available and making the most of all opportunities rather than thinking in our habitual ways.  

  I would like to be the trusted coach on your team and I have an offer for you this November.  Experience a FREE* Life Strategy Coaching Session and discover your top 3 priorities for 2015.  There is a questionnaire to prepare and then we meet for an hour to discuss the themes and learning.  The meeting is totally confidential and typical feedback is that sessions are positive, practical and inspiring.   Booking the time now will ensure, even with a busy Christmas period, you are ready to make the most of 2015.

To reserve your appointment, or contact me by email or phone (details at the end)

*This offer is open to anyone who has ‘liked’ the Soul Sanook Facebook page (www.facebook.com/soulsanook), is a member of one of our Meet-up groups or a linked-in contact.  Sessions are free for the month of November only

And I look forward to reading your experiences on self-employment heaven and hell below or on facebook

Deborah Reeds
Life Coach
deborah@soulsanook.com
Tel 07702 737019

The Paradox of Living Fully and Freely

Our meet-up group www.meetup.com/Living-Fully-and-Freely-in-St-Leonards-on-Sea/ has attracted a flurry of members who are…

‘on a quest to set aside their fears and turn their 'shit to compost' for living their fullest lives. Full of creative expression, full of peace and relaxation, full of making a difference to our community, full of abundance- full of whatever we choose!’

However, few of those who have the desire to live fully and freely could actually put their hand on their heart and say they are living out the dream.  It’s trickier than it looks and there are some seeming contradictions…..

Living fully seems to suggest our life is packed full of the things we love and we are completely immersed in our passions.  Like a child in a sweet shop we try all the different varieties with wild abandon.  Yet living this way can soon turn into a whirl of activity in which we lose our sense of what’s really important to us.  We need to take time to step back, reflect, tune into how we are feeling and enjoy just being.  At our next meet-up on Thursday we will be exploring different types of meditation to see what might be helpful.  Everyone I know who has achieved a lifestyle of living fully and freely has some kind of regular meditation or relaxation practice.
Being free seems to suggest we only need to do the things we want to, the things that bring us joy.   But that freedom is pretty shallow if it is really driven by our need to avoid things, people, places, thoughts and feelings we find unpleasant.  For our lives to feel free and not be limited, we need to go face the things we resist and find ways of transforming them so they are no longer obstacles to our freedom.  To live fully and freely, we need to know ourselves well be aware of our passions and fear based patterns.  We then need to make conscious choices so we spend our time in line with our passions, creating the life we desire step by step.  

Although living fully and freely might seem like a selfish act of independence, our biggest opportunities for growth and joy are found in relationship.   Creating authentic relationships with those who encourage and support us is an important part of the meet-up group.  Learning how to create an intimate relationship where you can be true to yourself and your partner is another theme.  So often we think we need to make compromises in relationships and that robs us of our vitality, as well as an important opportunity for multiplying our full and free living.

For more information on the group Living Fully and Freely in St Leonards on Sea click or paste into your browser www.meetup.com/Living-Fully-and-Freely-in-St-Leonards-on-Sea/ or email Debbie@soulsanook.com

Debbie Reeds
Life Coach

  

Automatic Pilot

I didn’t drive in Bangkok, I had no need.  So when I got in a car it could be several months or sometimes years since I last drove.  On one visit to the UK, my first driving task was parking.  When asked in advance, I fleetingly wondered if I’d be able to maneuver the unfamiliar car.  But when I sat in the driver’s seat my automatic behaviour returned and I was neatly in a parking space before I had a chance to consciously think about it.

This reminded me of the learning model - unconscious incompetence to unconscious competence.  This model states that we start not knowing what we don’t know, unconscious incompetence. For example many people offend people in different cultures just because they are completely unaware of the other’s customs and ways of showing respect.  When we become aware there’s something we don’t know, we become consciously incompetent.  We still do not know what to do but we are aware there is potential for us to learn.  When we decide to learn, each time we do the new behaviour we will consciously think through each step, we are consciously competent.  Later, with practice the new behaviour will become automatic so our competence becomes unconscious. For me, driving is unconscious competence.

Interestingly my automatic behaviour included not only my good habits, but my bad ones as well.  I automatically looked in the mirror and automatically crossed my hands on the steering wheel.  I did not think about ‘how’ to do any of this, I just did it.  If you ask me to show you how to drive, I’m not sure I could.  I’m not sure I could take one step back to conscious competence without experiencing some conscious incompetence first!

If I had got into a state of worry before parking, I’m pretty sure I could have convinced myself that when driving I had to be in control.  And to feel in control I would have had to consciously think about each action.   This would have involved much more energy and as I said I’m not sure I would have been effective.

There are many things we do automatically- walking, greeting someone, cooking, writing.  By having these things done automatically, our mind is free to focus on where it’s needed, learning something new, for example.

Sometimes however, we don’t allow ourselves to respond automatically.  Maybe an emotion (like fear) gets in the way and tells us we’re unable to trust that part of ourselves.  So we analyse, think, try and we disregard our natural intuition and abilities. 

Creativity, I believe is something every human does automatically.  To be aware of how you’re being creative and to be creative at the same time is quite a challenge.  With this consciousness you may also be judging the level of your creativity.  The judgment can lead to many emotions which then produce a block.  Our task is to allow ourselves to be creative, releasing control and accepting any feelings that might produce.

I’m not against being self-aware, but choose the areas in which you want to build awareness.  If you’re looking to change something about yourself, you can first see if there is a positive natural or automatic behaviour you’re blocking with your feelings- your creativity, connection with others, ability to ride a bike.  In that case the ‘change’ comes from ‘getting out of our own way’, releasing the feelings so the true you can shine through.

As with my driving, automatic behaviour might not be all good.  There may be some habits that have a negative impact, such as over eating.  In this case we could to go back to being conscious of our behaviour so we can be aware of the triggers for our over eating, analyse what we eat when and why and be aware of how that feels.  This takes a good deal of energy and as ‘what we pay attention to grows’, focusing on the problem often makes the problem bigger!

Another option is to use the power of Intention.  One thing that was significantly different in my driving on this visit was that it was slower.  Rather than racing to get to my next appointment, I had plenty of time and my intention was to enjoy the scenery.  I did not think about driving at a specific speed it just happened automatically once that intention was clear.

Using our intention means we focus not on the mechanics of the behaviour we want to change but on the positive outcome we’re wanting to achieve.  This re-aligns our behaviour without us having to get so self- conscious.

This article was written whilst I was living in Thailand.  I'm now living in St Leonards on Sea on the beautiful UK south coast 

Debbie Reeds

www.soulsanook.com